Grey Cast Skies

A/N: Not a nightmare, but not a pleasantry either. I couldn't return to sleep... And the rain felt good.

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I found her huddled in a shadowed niche in the drawing room. Both her hair and rumpled nightclothes told me she had gone straight here as soon as she had woke. She pulled a pillow close to her breast and clung to it like a lifeline, perhaps remembering part of the nightmare that had cut short her sleep. I was guessing a nightmare was not the case, as I would have been alarmed had she been traversing an unstable part of this world.

"It's rather early for you to be sulking." I spoke, kneeling in front of her. I sensed no hostility, no impending growls or anything that would have told me she was in a mood most unfortunate. But neither had I felt that she was completely alright.

I glanced at the window, watching dark clouds hover idly in the sky as thunder rumbled in the lingering silence. Only seven in the morning, and yet it looked like the world had not waken fully from the night.

Luke had not been pleasant with how he woke me, but he had little time to listen to my complaints. It was of import that I had to attend to our Creator in 'that' way, else the guardian would have done so himself which I am not certain that would have made any good changes.

Much as Luke claimed he had no real feelings, and no need of it where his duty is concerned, I was sure he was blessed with them, if only shallow.

Even as I grumbled and nearly tumbled out of bed, his monotone orders did not stop until I had walked out the door. The invisible golden chain that bounded me and our Creator acted like a thread, so we would never lose the other no matter the distance that span between us. I followed it, finding myself before the drawing room door in moments, and even less when I knelt before the shadowed niche she had pressed herself into.

Nowadays, it was no surprise to find her in the most oddest of places. Well, not odd but... unusual. In the hollow of a tree, a vent in the ceiling, anywhere where she felt comfortable and alone.

"You want to tell me what's wrong?" I asked, using the most encouraging tone I could muster that early.

The sky outside darkened with each passing moment. I waited as she gathered strength to speak, smoothing down my bed hair as much as I could with my hands. Even with the low light, I can still see her eyes half-lidded with the remnants of sleep. A mental list of things to do went through my head, some of which I was close to being late in attending to, but I waited on her still. It wasn't until a good eight heartbeats later that she finally opened her mouth to speak.

"Azzy... people..." She paused in her words. The weight of an anticipated dreaded expectation, a familiar sadness, gleaming in her eyes made bright from unshed tears. She needn't voice it any longer, somehow I knew. In a distant memory of a stormy day similar to this morning, we had been in the same scene- Nay, faced the same problem.

When I reached a hand out to her, she didn't turn away. Unlike that day when she had been but a child of sixteen barely getting her bearings of her maturity, she didn't shy away or swat my hand. The Haizek of the here and now merely shot me a tired glance. And as my hand settled on the dark mess of her hair, she sighed and turned her eyes from me. Taking this as a good sign, I ran my hand through her hair as a father would to soothe his child's sadness.

I caught glimpses of what she had seen the night before. White noise skittered around the edges of the images fleeting through my head, telling me that it was a dream that had allowed her to relive that familiar pain, that transcending sense of loss before it even happened.

A house... old but familiar to her... Semi-sharp forms resembling her family in the outside world walking about their own business... Voices... her voice and that of others... talking about something muffled and unclear... the dull buzz of the television in the other room... everything felt so real... If I wasn't aware of her memories, I would have thought what I was seeing was simply a memory as well. Sitting... lying... Her ever present laptop before her as she quietly listened watched others... reading a book... glancing...

There.

I had the barest hint of my hand slowly clenched and unclenched into a tight fist at my side. I thought she and I had already reached a solution to this a long time ago. For years, she had accepted many things about herself and others. Granted, not all of those acceptances had been willing and many took so long. Patient, giving, sensible... but a coward all the same. That as she had told me once.

What had been the sign for me that she had not yield hold of this was the fact that the images were so vivid, and her reactions to it very much real and disheartening for me.

I pulled away from the thoughts, looked away as I returned my senses to my body. "I thought... we had already finished with that." My voice sounded hoarse and cold. Lord, that sleeping anger within was stirring awake. I can still hear the echoing whispers that accompanied the scene as it faded into the blissful darkness.

Remember, you will be left behind. Help others, befriend them, but know that they will never stay for you. Know that you are dispensable to many.

Utter rubbish. I shook my head in disgust of that thought. No one was indispensable. No one was more worthless than dirt, and even the latter had a lot of use. But she believed herself to be otherwise, and it nearly drove me up the wall many times in the past. I will not let this time be the first either.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, clutching the pillow even more. Months of a more peaceful inner self gave me hope that she had moved from it, and was instead facing some other flaw of hers that needed attention. Now I see that even with the years of steeling herself, of molding herself to become less feeling and more serious than what she had wanted to be, it had not done enough to remedy her weakness. Too many holes.

Not to mention the very nature of her soul could not stand such limits she placed on herself. She was fighting a stalemate battle with herself. And I was stupid to not have done something better the moment I realized it. Why have I been so blind?

Never before in my whole existence had I felt such the weight of defeat. For so long I had tried my hardest to allay her fears, protect her from what would not let her grow wholly. But the years and the realities of her mortal life were taking a toll on her. The scars inflicted and self-inflicted ran too deep that I could not help fully heal. Even as I was a part of her and at the same time not, I could do no more but be a conscience in the waking world. Take no form that could possibly be more than a disembodied voice in her head that offered no physical comfort when she needed it the most. I felt pathetic.

My shoulders slumped, an action that returned Haizek's gaze on me, but she did not say a word right away. I paid no heed to the steady patter of rain even in the silence that pervaded after I had seen what she dreamt.

"... Are you alright, Azzy?" I bobbed my head once, sliding from kneeling to sitting cross legged in a blink of an eye.

She is to be blamed. A thought ran through my head. The voice was my own, but so cold and the anger barely veiled. Because she refused to believe in anything good and hopeful for herself, she allowed herself to stumble. She keeps making herself suffer, causing all these chain reactions that could tore asunder the world and people she so cherished.

I let out a sigh and shook the thought away. It would do no good to be angry with her. I gave myself time until I could diffuse the anger threatening to surface, and with another shake of my head I met her gaze. "It was only a dream, Haizek." I said softly. This was grounds to be careful with. I do not want to see her withdrawn on a day she direly wished for, and consequently still be as such in the following days. My hand tugged at the pillow, coaxing her to come out but I felt resistance.

"Only a dream." She repeated, giving me a look that said far more than her words would ever say. "I am what I am, Azzy." She continued in a hushed tone.

"No you aren't." I argued. With her, against my growing annoyance with such dealings after first light. She needed inner peace. She needed to be reassured. She needed to feel that she was doing fine. Against everything that had happened, she was not to be blamed for everything.

My hands clasped together in my lap, thumbs playing with one another restlessly. "I know I've told you many times about this, but you need to stop thinking of yourself as unneeded once you've 'used' up your worth to people." The same old explanation, but it never got tiring with either of us. "If there are people who would throw away the friendship you so generously give them, then they're the ones who should regret it. You know who you are. You know what you are and are not capable of. So there's no point in trying to be someone who you can't be just to please others."

"You always said it before, 'people should accept people as they are', flaws and all. You do the same, of course with some misgivings and wariness here and there." I continued, hoping that she was listening intently. "But you're not a saint. I'm not a saint, and neither are people. Things happen but what makes people better than others is the fact that you can accept and love despite the imperfections." I went on, reiterating everything that came to the forefront of my mind. This was a chance. I left nothing to pass.

I lost track of time, talking and talking until I had nothing else to say. We both sat in that solitary silence, broken only by the rain outside that had turned into a torrent threatening to break the glass.

To my surprise, Haizek crawled over and encircled an arm around my shoulder. She buried her face in the crook of my neck, saying nothing at all. One hand carressed the unruly dark tresses, another rubbed circles on her back. Lord... what I would give to make it such that she was not feeling her own touch, but that of another. It made a difference. A significant difference.

"Even if you're not the best, even if you're not real... Even if the world damned me to hell and back for living... or forget that I even lived..." Her voice choked and faltered, though no tears dared fall. Haizek then looked at me in the eye, emotions as determined as she could put them gleaming in those dark brown depths. "You know I would rather die than fall into that abyss forever." The words made confusing sense to her state of mind, but she had hoped I understood what she was saying. I did.

"You're insane." I spoke without thinking. Instead of pouting, she let out a soft laugh.

"I've realized I have been insane for a long while." She let a smile of sad radiance cross her features. And maybe it's the reason she had held out this long. But I would not want to think of her that way. I know, somewhere inside me, that she was well aware of my suffering of this as well. But I dare not voice it out, to confirm what she was thinking all this while. I could endure everything to see her live through this. To give her that ending she deserved.

I did not think twice as I leaned forward and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Never give up." I love you. Always the unspoken message. She seemed pleasantly surprised, brushing a hand against the cheek I kissed before closing her eyes with a contented sigh.

"You're too kind, Azzy."

And I was left alone in the room. I felt her presence traverse the Glass Wall, and then nothing but that feeling of a steady heartbeat at the other end of the chain.

The rain outside slowed until it disappeared. The skies lightened, but it remained an offcast grey and white as distant thunder rumbled like a lion's growl.

... What do you think of me...?.... What... do you think I am deserving of?...

She was alone. Even in the company of friends, she felt so very alone and afraid. I was determined to help change that, come hell or heaven.

A prayer lingered on my tongue, though I held it back for now. I stood and walked out of the room, intent on starting on the day's work. But I was certain I would still be distracted.

END ENTRY.