Blurred Lines

A/N: Finally posted.

*** 

When do dreams become a reality? There are, honestly, so many different answers to that question. It was frightening, like the doubt that threatened to destroy what he had strived hard to create. But it was beautiful, like the eyes and the smile that was akin to a precious gift whenever he did something to make that face drop its cold mask.

Blue. That was his name for her. She was his angel, albeit calling her a vengeful angel seemed more apt. Her eyes, they were the reason why he called her so. They were the most beautiful startling azure he had ever laid eyes on. But she denied it. She denied everything about her that was beautiful. But time and time again, he loved to tell her that she is. Her face could use a blush and a smile every now and then.

That same face hovered over his as he lay against the soft pillows, sleep hazing his thoughts as muffled words escaped those lips.

“... should sleep... is calling me... be back in a little while.” Were the only things he managed to understand. Still, he might have said something, for he felt those soft lips on his cheek before everything was swallowed in darkness.

The next thing he knew, a cold almost nostalgic silence greeted his forest green eyes as the dark ceiling focused into view. He moved one pale arm over his forehead and felt a rough fabric against his fingers.

Bandages? Damn, I really hate manhunts. The details of that day were too hazy and fleeting, he didn’t bother dwelling on it. He kept still as he listened to his own steady breathing.

Strange. He knew that something had woken him, but with the last vestiges of sleep scampering away into the dark, it was as if his wakefulness had also chased that memory away. He couldn’t help a groan as nausea swept in. It didn’t last long, but it left him with a sickening feeling in his stomach. Damnation, Blue was going to have a fit taking care of him.

“Are you feeling better?” The voice that called his name was laced with quiet concern. Looking towards the source, he found a man seated at the windowsill. The grey skies offered little light to illuminate the form comfortably leaning against the glass. But he could make out the tussled, dark tresses framing a fair face, long enough to settle somewhere near the elbows. Eyes that reflected the same leaf green color as his own were fixed on his form, darkened only by the lack of light.

“Another nightmare?” The man on the windowsill asked, shifting his leg over the other. “You’re plagued by a lot of them recently.”

The man in bed knew that staring at the man was like staring into a mirror, sans his own hair barely brushed against his shoulders. He wasn’t sure however, if his own eyes reflected the strength hidden in the depths of the other.

A name quickly came with that doppelganger face. Jean? Yes, Jean. His beloved older twin who had always shown such care that betrayed his stern aloofness. That was probably why he didn’t need to contemplate why the other’s presence was so pleasantly comforting.

“Nah.” He replied, giving the man a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Something else woke me up. Can’t remember it though.” That at least softened the frown that was appearing on Jean’s face. Well, his aniki did grow up with him after all. He would know if his brother was lying through his teeth or not.

A sigh escaped Jean’s lips. “Come here. You spent too much time in that bed, it’s finally taking your shape.”

With a chuckle, the younger patted the mattress. “I happen to like this bed. You should try lounging in it rather than the windowsill.” Regardless, he obeyed. Kicking off the covers, he unsteadily padded towards the other, half throwing his arms on his brother’s lap and settled his chin on them.

A disapproving grunt was heard before a hand roughly pulled his hair. “You’re getting too old for this.” Jean chided. To this, the young man grinned at his twin. “Hey, you always said I was a big baby.”

“I didn’t mean for you to make my life more miserable.”

He chuckled, prodding the hand that held his hair with a finger. “Admit it, you’d go insane without me making your life pleasantly miserable.”

There was a slight upward curve of his Jean’s mouth, but that was all. “You honestly are too confident about yourself.”

“And you’re saying that you can make it without me?”

A short contemplative silence ensued before those eyes settled on him again. “Your bandages are coming off.”

“Don’t change- Hey!” He squirmed when those hands began to unwind the loosened bandages around his head.

“Odin, don’t be a brat. Stay still for a moment.” Came the stern voice. The younger brother pouted, but couldn’t fight against the stronger hands. In the end, he opted to just sit as still as he could –but he squirmed every now and then- while trying to think of something to occupy his thoughts.

He thought back to that dream that woke him. He tried recalling it, recalling the scenario with what Blue had taught him. Invoking emotions helps recall those dreams. She once said. But it seemed that it didn’t work this time for him, but served to give him a headache instead. He groaned, making the hands on his head stop.

“Does it hurt?” Jean asked him. He shook his head, saying only that he was just trying to think but his head was hurting. Jean let out a hum in response, all the while tying the ends of the bandage securely. He felt those hands rubbing circles on either sides of his temple, and he couldn’t help but smile gratefully at the ebbing pain.

“I will regret saying this, but sometimes you’re too cute.”

The younger man let out a chuckle. “That’s also what I’m for.” He replied to his twin’s words. “And you could be my smartass servant.”

“Shut it or I’m not doing this anymore.”

He grinned, but made no move to reply. Instead he let those hands take away the pain. His mind began to drift, drift to where nothing but the eyes of his mind were all that he used to see the images that began to fleet about, accompanied by emotions that both seemed to comfort and stab his heart.

He had been used to her rough manners, had been used to her sharp gazes and equally sharp tongue, that when warm and surprisingly gentle fingers brushed against his cheeks, he nearly pulled back in surprise.

But these hands, these calloused hands that smelled faintly of blood, were not hers. No, they were bigger, the warm roughness suddenly felt distant compared to the feathery electric touches in his thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” Blue eyes look to him, curious and nervous. He wanted to say something to her, but the words caught in his throat. The silence that fell around them was beginning to intensify as her eyes took on a new emotion.

His hands reached up, catching his brother’s wrists in a firm grip. “Where’s Blue?” He looked about the room, looking for the person he was asking for.

He drew a breath and pulled her close. “Sorry.” He whispered before she could open her mouth. “I’m just trying to get used to this. You’re happy though, right?”

“Happy?” She asked him. He smiled, the quirk of his lips hidden against her hair. “Happy that you’re with me.” He felt her shift more comfortably in his hold, snuggling her head under his chin. With her fingers intertwined with his own, he watched in amusement as she brought his hand to her lips.

“I have no regrets.”

“Blue?”

The younger twin nodded. “Yeah. She was here until...” He glanced at the window but the grey skies offered no clue as to what time it could be. “Well, some time back. She said she’d be back. Did she come back when I was asleep?”

At this, something in his mind wondered about the concerned look on his twin’s face, but his brother did not speak at first. His gaze however, made him grow uneasy. He looked back to the sky outside. When did it become so dark? Before he slept, the weather had been clear and sunny. But the sky of course, wouldn’t give him an answer, so he returned his gaze to his brother and saw the emotion on the other’s face.

“Aniki? Your face looks weird.” He laughed. His eyes bore into that green hued gaze, seemingly as if trying to pry an answer from that gaze. It was then that Jean drew a breath.

He pushed back a stray lock of dark hair from his face. “Just as well. Two days without eating made you more of an idiot than I can handle.”

“My what? Aniki, don’t skirt around my questions. Did Blue come back or not?” The concern in those eyes remained. At the same time, a feeling of confusion was settling into his head. What was wrong about asking his brother for his wife?

“And more whiny too.” His brother pushed him off. “What do you want? Milk? Chicken soup? I don’t think you can digest solid-”

“Aniki!” He wasn’t in the mood for Jean’s stubborness. Not now when he wanted to know where his wife had gone. She hadn’t come back, had she? Why couldn’t his brother say anything?

“Johan.” At this the younger twin paused. He looked at Jean as if he’d grown a second head. Johan... Johan...?

“Johan.” Jean repeated, levelling his gaze with his younger brother. “I’ll be honest. A few weeks ago, we barely avoided getting killed by Rekenber’s agents. We survived but you took a bludgeon to the head. We couldn’t stop to rest, so we had to keep moving despite your condition.” He grabbed his brother’s shoulders and squeezed lightly. “I... tried my best to take care of you when the circumstances permitted it, but right now you need to realize that it’s only been the two of us since our betrayal of the company.”

The silence between them stretched, strained further and further as time went by. A quiet murmur quickly grew into a laugh, and soon Jean was puzzled when Johan patted his shoulder.

“Your attempts at joking is pretty screwed, aniki.” Johan said. Jean swatted his hand away, saying, “I’m not joking, Johan.”

The rest of Johan’s laughter died on his tongue. “You’re lying then.” Johan searched his brother’s eyes for any form of deceit, anything to betray the spoken words.

The expression Jean showed betrayed nothing. “I’m not lying.”

“She was here!” Johan’s tone was rising, the frustration fuelled it no less. Why did it feel like his brother was lying and at the same time not? Why, if it was supposed to be a lie, could he remember Blue’s touch and face as if it were real?

She was real!

“Maybe you’re the one who’s lacking a few brain cells. Any minute now, Blue’s going to come through that door and then I’ll laugh in your face while she wonders what the Hel’s going on with me out of bed and you screaming that she ain’t real.”

“Johan, calm yourself and try to think straight. You were bludgeoned, in the head no less. Hel, it was a miracle you didn’t fall into a coma!” The words of his brother sunk into his mind, and yet Johan couldn’t recall the memories of those events.

Rekenber, he knew at least that he managed to escape their clutches after years of planning. He remembered escaping. Running far from the Republic, hiding and changing his identity, and eventually settling into a guild and meeting her. But there was something else that he remembered that made this situation feel all the more surreal.

“Johan!”

The shaking jolted him back to himself.

“Johan, I’m telling you, there’s no one else here.” The hands returned to his face, gently cupping his cheeks as a warm forehead met with his. The smell of blood made the younger twin nearly retch, and he struggled to push the other away.

“That’s... that’s not my name.” He uttered, succeeding in pushing Jean away when the other had paused. Suddenly, nothing made sense.

“What are you talking about?” Nothing at all made sense.

“That’s not my name!” Johan cried, clutching his head whilst stepping away. “Saint is my name! It’s not Johan. Johan is dead... That part of me died when... when...” He paused, unable to form the last words. The feeling of confusion refused to let him go. What was wrong with his brother? Was he so blinded by his own hatred, so far into insanity, that his world consisted only of the two of them?

He didn’t want that to happen. He loved his brother, just as much as he loved Blue.

“Johan, get a hold of yourself!” Jean jumped to his brother’s side, making to grab his arm when his hand was suddenly swatted away.

And yet, the younger twin couldn’t help but feel threatened by his older sibling. There was something, something that he couldn’t quite place but it threatened him all the same.

“Don’t touch me!” Johan exclaimed, a fierce anger in his eyes. “Aniki, don’t you dare touch me!” Just as Jean was about to reach for him again, those words immediately made him retract his hand in surprise.

He was quick to recover. “There’s something wrong with you! Don’t you get it?” Jean retaliated, baring his teeth in a reflection of Johan’s expression. Before the other knew it, his brother had pinned him to the floor. “There’s no Blue! There’s only me and you. You! Johan. Not Saint, not anyone else! Do you understand?”

Fortunately, Johan’s head didn’t hit the floor, but the sudden vertigo threatened to explode his tender head with pain. “I don’t!” He screamed. “I don’t understand!” He threw a punch that grazed Jean’s cheek.

“I’m making it easy for you. How much more simple should I make it? It’s flat out in your face already!” A kick to Jean’s chest made him stumble back.

“Shut up! You think you always know what’s best for me?” Saint said, “I went through the same Hel as you. I felt the same pain as you.”

“I’m not a little boy anymore who couldn’t get over okaa-san leaving us. I’m not the dependent teen back in that dirty, Odin forsaken cell. I’m a grown man now, aniki. It’s about time you understood that I can’t always be that weak, idiotic brother you think I always was.”

A long silence ensued, with each of the brothers staring each other down for different reasons. In the end, it was Jean who broke the silence.

“Fine... fine. Who am I to deny your happiness?” He said in a biting tone.

There was a pang of guilt, but Saint made no verbal response, instead sliding to sit on the floor next to his bed. He ran a hand through his hair, little mindful of the bandages. Perhaps... he thought, glancing askance at Jean. The other was avoiding his gaze.

Perhaps this was all just a dream. But that wasn’t true either. It didn’t feel completely like one. It hurt his head too much he didn’t want to think about it anymore.

His head lifted slowly to rest against the bed as his eyes sought out something beyond the walls. “Aniki... I don’t understand what’s happening.”

“Neither do I.” Came the soft reply.

Saint closed his eyes. “I just... I don’t want any of us to be left behind.” But this situation isn’t right.

Movement shifted at the corner of his eyes, but Jean stayed where he was. “Neither do I.”

“Funny though...” Saint yawned. He struggled to stay awake, to muster enough strength to say the words he felt compelled to say earlier. He felt himself being moved, then saw Jean gathering him up in his arms. Huh, his brother should have been a ninja if he could move that fast.

He saw emotions in those eyes, but he couldn’t tell them apart.

Another yawn escaped him, but before his eyelids drooped of their own accord, the words finally left his lips in a hushed whisper. “... You’re supposed to be dead.”

***

Lost in the haze of sleep, Saint hadn’t notice the tremble in the hands that held him. Though no other soul existed in the room, Jean’s passive countenance did not change until he lifted his brother back to the bed. Once he made certain that Saint- no, Johan was asleep and tucked in comfortably under blue sheets, the older brother turned and trudged back to the windowsill.

Hidden beneath the dark fringes, Jean’s expression did not change. It did not waver, though the crease in between his eyes deepened. There were no words that echoed in the dark. Thunder echoed ominously outside, rattling the glass.

He was afraid that he hadn’t saved them from insanity after all. And his beloved brother was oblivious to his own tragic degradation. He rarely cursed, but now was one of those times when he needed such a vent.

He felt so torn. With a snarl, his fist connected with the adjacent wall. His breathing was heavy, his pupils unfocused as emotions warred within.

“Wrong.” He whispered, shaking hands making their way to rub at his head. I am alive, very much alive. I wouldn’t leave you behind. Never.

You’ve forgotten the extent of what we’ve been through. I should have watched over you more carefully. He looked out of the window, then to his hands. He had already washed them, but the smell of blood was still there.

No matter. He had been turned into a murderer against his will a long time ago. What difference did it make if he used that sin to protect what remained of his family? But now, the weariness had finally caught up to him. He’d realized that when Johan lashed out at him.

He was tired of running. He was tired of fending off those who would try to take away what was his.

The last flare of determination lit his eyes, turning them into the color of a ravenous fire. “I let you sought comfort in your world. Where this Blue is your happiness, and where I do not exist.” He muttered the last phrase was spat out with bitterness.

Jean walked to the door, picking up a bloodied dagger that Johan had missed noticing. Many times, he had killed those who had wronged them, who wanted to break them apart. Always, he did those on his own. He didn’t need Johan to be bothered by the sight of the burnt bodies and occasional puddles of blood. His brother had gone through enough. It was time he did something in return.

“Forgive me then, if I want both of us to move on from worlds of fancy and finally be free.”

His brother didn’t need to know whose blood stained it now, he would most likely make it all the more difficult to listen to his brother. Neither did Jean bother himself with the victim of the blade, though he swore that a quick death hadn’t happened. People and their devotion to love, sometimes he hated when that combination teamed up against him. But it was all over now. Jean climbed onto the bed, straddling his brother between his legs.

“Don’t worry, otouto...” Jean smiled weakly, holding the dagger against his brother’s pale neck. Tears fell from his reddish eyes as he dug the blade deeper.

“Neither of us is getting left behind this time.” After all, no one but Johan was important in his eyes. He wouldn’t leave behind the only person that mattered. That would be too cruel of him.

He failed to see eyes staring up at him in wide-eyed terror. Under his breath, the last word was uttered, breaking the seal that caged a horrendous blaze so reflecting his own madness.

“We’ll go together.”

End entry.